so for the last 3 weeks in chapel here at school I have spoken. dont get me wrong, I dont mind at all, but I walk out of there completely exhausted. I know it is Satan not wanting to allow me to be used by God. he has found he can hit me where it still hurts the most. he knows it well. the second message I brought was my testimony, and how God was using circumstances in my life to show me Him. well after it was done I was approached a couple of days later by a couple of the upperclassmen asking me how I could be so happy, in spite of having the love of my life look at me and say she didnt love me, and then break up with me; and then not getting my absolute dream job in Philly. they were surprised that I can laugh and smile, and talk about it like it really that big of a deal. it is. I still struggle with it, sometimes on a day to day basis. to be honest I still miss Anna alot. there isnt a day that goes by that I dont miss her or miss just talking to her
yet as this rages inside of me, I find myself comforted by my Jesus. I find myself crawling into bed and resting in His arms. and I am finding joy in seeing my kids succeed. I cant wait to be a daddy. have my son or daughter crawl up into my lap and ask me to read them Curious George, or something awesome like that. those are the dreams, slightly coming true right now, that I am holding onto. I love it when my kindergarteners give me the biggest smile in the world, or Caden drops his most famous word, pancreas. or I get to talk to my high schoolers, and when they think they have bombed a test, I get to encourage them and make them see that they actually can do the work. that is what keeps me going, even when I feel like death warmed over, my kids day in and day out are my life, and I wouldnt have it any other way!
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