So Who Am I? (The Fighter Inside)

so I have been listening to the Real Steel soundtrack, and though it isn't everyone's favorite movie, I like. it always happens. movies I like, most people dont(ie this one) and most movies I dont like, do well(ie Twilight) but as I watched the movie and now listen to the soundtrack, it reminds me of who I am. that I like a good fight. I am talking a good solid fight that I am in. and that fight is life. I have more fun when I get to be who I am. I especially like it when I have something to fight for. one of my favorite lines in the movie is when Hugh Jackman's character drives through the night and the next morning, as he kisses Evangeline Lilly's character good bye she asks

"1200 miles for a kiss"
"Worth it. So worth it"

And I have to say it is. it is worth it at the end of the day to say that. I guess Lee Caterson and his manliness has worn off on me. a man knows what fights to fight and which ones to avoid. this is really ringing true with what I have been teaching and sharing in Bible class and chapels here at school. the big one is from the Apostle Paul in the book of Philippians where he shares the secret of being content and having enough strength to get through life.  He writes in Philippians 4.11-13 "¹¹Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹²I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³I can do all things through him who strengthens me." He learned this truth and I can say that over the past 10ish months, I have too, sorta. I have learned to be a fighter. to not back down at life. I used to use Xanga, who uses that anymore, and I found an old quote of mine from March of 2007 and it goes as follows

some of us dont go down without fighting
some of us just keep kicking and screaming when we are down
but it is those who, though smacked around, beat up and torn down
bloodied knuckles, scraped knees, smashed in faces
it is those who stand back up, brush the dust off of them
wipe the blood off of their mouth and face
give a little smile at their enemy
ball up their fist
and smash the lights outta their opponent in one blow
it is that person that has the right to claim the title of victor
of number 1
to be called Champion

So who am I? I am Champion. I am a child of the king. I am Ed

the happy day that wasn't

so this past weekend was really interesting. I got to spend it on a church retreat at a really beautiful lake about 2 hours southwest of Santiago. I mean I am talking, like I wish I had a boat to go out and fish and just cruise. that kinda lake. the one where lazy summer afternoons go to take a day off. and for as much fun it was to relax and just chill and be away from the city, I had a lingering nag in the back of my mind. and it plainly was that on Saturday, November 5th was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, well the start of a lifetime of happy days. I was finally going to get married. I was going to marry Anna. we had chosen the date almost a 2 years before the actual date. we never told anyone, but we had everything planned out, aside from the ring and the dress. we had colours, flowers, even down to the guest list and had started working on the seating arraignment. that happened post wisdom teeth surgery. that was an interesting Saturday! I still even have the notebook with sketches, notes, plans, everything. but it all became a passing dream and fancy. it never happened. maybe in some distant parallel universe, but not in reality.

so as the weekend passed, there were tough points, some very tough points, but as I chilled on the porch and just watched everyone do their own thing, I realized that I was right where I was supposed to be. yea it hurt, yea there were times that I wanted to cry, and I did, but I wouldn't change any of it. as I sat there, probably one of my top 5 all time favorite bands came on, Wolves At The Gate, and I listened to the entire pre-Solid State Records, Limited Edition Autographed We Are The One's EP, and a couple of lines jumped out at me.

first was (from the song Heralds)
How we live and fight is who we are
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
"Who you are is all from Me"
The first line for sure rings for me. How I live and fight is who I am. I have never been in it to win everyone's approval. I tried, it didn't work. so how I live and fight is what defines me. it is me. like it or not here I come. even moving to Chile, I haven't been friends with everyone. I am ok with that. because it isn't my job to be friends with everyone. I will be friendly, but I only let a few people close, if you are close, then you are lucky. I will be transparent, but to let you in, especially in light of the last 10 months, takes a lot on my part to let you in.

the other line(s) come from the song Oh The Depths

Oh the depths of riches, like the water that fills the earth
The knowledge of my Creator who gives me worth
I have not a gift to bring for all things are from Him and glory forever
But as their arrows are drawn there is refuge in view

Oh death, oh death
Has lost it's sting on me
Oh death, oh death
You've been forever conquored

these lines are huge as well. the first thought comes from the second line, The knowledge of my Creator who gives me worth. the knowledge that I am worth something to someone. isn't that what everyone is wanting in this world. someones approval. and how hard is it when someone who we trust, shoves it back in our face? despite the fact that we tried our hardest, we still fail. I know I can take comfort in Christ because my worth flows from Him. the other thing that I love from this song is that death has lost his sting on me. death has no chance of winning anymore. I have been bought at a great price. so every night, even when I am pushed emotionally, and I have nothing left to give, I collapse on my Saviour's arms and rest knowing that death no longer has control over me, death no longer can win, death has been forever defeated. so yea it was a hard weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way!