So Who Am I? (The Fighter Inside)

so I have been listening to the Real Steel soundtrack, and though it isn't everyone's favorite movie, I like. it always happens. movies I like, most people dont(ie this one) and most movies I dont like, do well(ie Twilight) but as I watched the movie and now listen to the soundtrack, it reminds me of who I am. that I like a good fight. I am talking a good solid fight that I am in. and that fight is life. I have more fun when I get to be who I am. I especially like it when I have something to fight for. one of my favorite lines in the movie is when Hugh Jackman's character drives through the night and the next morning, as he kisses Evangeline Lilly's character good bye she asks

"1200 miles for a kiss"
"Worth it. So worth it"

And I have to say it is. it is worth it at the end of the day to say that. I guess Lee Caterson and his manliness has worn off on me. a man knows what fights to fight and which ones to avoid. this is really ringing true with what I have been teaching and sharing in Bible class and chapels here at school. the big one is from the Apostle Paul in the book of Philippians where he shares the secret of being content and having enough strength to get through life.  He writes in Philippians 4.11-13 "¹¹Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹²I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³I can do all things through him who strengthens me." He learned this truth and I can say that over the past 10ish months, I have too, sorta. I have learned to be a fighter. to not back down at life. I used to use Xanga, who uses that anymore, and I found an old quote of mine from March of 2007 and it goes as follows

some of us dont go down without fighting
some of us just keep kicking and screaming when we are down
but it is those who, though smacked around, beat up and torn down
bloodied knuckles, scraped knees, smashed in faces
it is those who stand back up, brush the dust off of them
wipe the blood off of their mouth and face
give a little smile at their enemy
ball up their fist
and smash the lights outta their opponent in one blow
it is that person that has the right to claim the title of victor
of number 1
to be called Champion

So who am I? I am Champion. I am a child of the king. I am Ed

the happy day that wasn't

so this past weekend was really interesting. I got to spend it on a church retreat at a really beautiful lake about 2 hours southwest of Santiago. I mean I am talking, like I wish I had a boat to go out and fish and just cruise. that kinda lake. the one where lazy summer afternoons go to take a day off. and for as much fun it was to relax and just chill and be away from the city, I had a lingering nag in the back of my mind. and it plainly was that on Saturday, November 5th was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, well the start of a lifetime of happy days. I was finally going to get married. I was going to marry Anna. we had chosen the date almost a 2 years before the actual date. we never told anyone, but we had everything planned out, aside from the ring and the dress. we had colours, flowers, even down to the guest list and had started working on the seating arraignment. that happened post wisdom teeth surgery. that was an interesting Saturday! I still even have the notebook with sketches, notes, plans, everything. but it all became a passing dream and fancy. it never happened. maybe in some distant parallel universe, but not in reality.

so as the weekend passed, there were tough points, some very tough points, but as I chilled on the porch and just watched everyone do their own thing, I realized that I was right where I was supposed to be. yea it hurt, yea there were times that I wanted to cry, and I did, but I wouldn't change any of it. as I sat there, probably one of my top 5 all time favorite bands came on, Wolves At The Gate, and I listened to the entire pre-Solid State Records, Limited Edition Autographed We Are The One's EP, and a couple of lines jumped out at me.

first was (from the song Heralds)
How we live and fight is who we are
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
"Who you are is all from Me"
The first line for sure rings for me. How I live and fight is who I am. I have never been in it to win everyone's approval. I tried, it didn't work. so how I live and fight is what defines me. it is me. like it or not here I come. even moving to Chile, I haven't been friends with everyone. I am ok with that. because it isn't my job to be friends with everyone. I will be friendly, but I only let a few people close, if you are close, then you are lucky. I will be transparent, but to let you in, especially in light of the last 10 months, takes a lot on my part to let you in.

the other line(s) come from the song Oh The Depths

Oh the depths of riches, like the water that fills the earth
The knowledge of my Creator who gives me worth
I have not a gift to bring for all things are from Him and glory forever
But as their arrows are drawn there is refuge in view

Oh death, oh death
Has lost it's sting on me
Oh death, oh death
You've been forever conquored

these lines are huge as well. the first thought comes from the second line, The knowledge of my Creator who gives me worth. the knowledge that I am worth something to someone. isn't that what everyone is wanting in this world. someones approval. and how hard is it when someone who we trust, shoves it back in our face? despite the fact that we tried our hardest, we still fail. I know I can take comfort in Christ because my worth flows from Him. the other thing that I love from this song is that death has lost his sting on me. death has no chance of winning anymore. I have been bought at a great price. so every night, even when I am pushed emotionally, and I have nothing left to give, I collapse on my Saviour's arms and rest knowing that death no longer has control over me, death no longer can win, death has been forever defeated. so yea it was a hard weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

...tis but a moment.....

"there 'tis but a moment, when a man can no longer contain himself, but rather finds himself walking amongst the clouds above his head. you see one simple action, one simple movement, sends this man on the most amazing trip and adventure he could ever go on. and it happens as quickly as it ends. nothing more than a few seconds, drops compared to the standard of all time, but those seconds rather allow this man to be free, to take on the world, to challenge the impossible. you see it occurs when a simple kiss, from the woman he adores, is given. it happens at all points, at all stages through the time together, but there is something completely and utterly magical about the first one. he can do no wrong, he can fight all fights. and even when all hope is lost, and everything seems to fall apart, that kiss can grant him the strength and power to keep moving forward. there is something so sweet and beautiful about a woman's lips upon his own, or even cheek for that matter, that allows him to be swept away. lost forever in just seconds. the honey he tastes is far more sweeter the more he cherishes and takes care of the one who readily gives the kiss, not to cheapen it, or just give it away, but rather to empower the man whom she has said, here is my heart. let that man never forget the first kiss he received from the woman of his dreams"

this came to me as I was listening to some music, I guess reading Jane Austin doesn't help either. but either way, I thought it was worth sharing, just another peak into my crazy messed up mind of mine.

this is interesting for sure......

so for the last 3 weeks in chapel here at school I have spoken. dont get me wrong, I dont mind at all, but I walk out of there completely exhausted. I know it is Satan not wanting to allow me to be used by God. he has found he can hit me where it still hurts the most. he knows it well. the second message I brought was my testimony, and how God was using circumstances in my life to show me Him. well after it was done I was approached a couple of days later by a couple of the upperclassmen asking me how I could be so happy, in spite of having the love of my life look at me and say she didnt love me, and then break up with me; and then not getting my absolute dream job in Philly. they were surprised that I can laugh and smile, and talk about it like it really that big of a deal. it is. I still struggle with it, sometimes on a day to day basis. to be honest I still miss Anna alot. there isnt a day that goes by that I dont miss her or miss just talking to her

yet as this rages inside of me, I find myself comforted by my Jesus. I find myself crawling into bed and resting in His arms. and I am finding joy in seeing my kids succeed. I cant wait to be a daddy. have my son or daughter crawl up into my lap and ask me to read them Curious George, or something awesome like that. those are the dreams, slightly coming true right now, that I am holding onto. I love it when my kindergarteners give me the biggest smile in the world, or Caden drops his most famous word, pancreas. or I get to talk to my high schoolers, and when they think they have bombed a test, I get to encourage them and make them see that they actually can do the work. that is what keeps me going, even when I feel like death warmed over, my kids day in and day out are my life, and I wouldnt have it any other way!

Santiago, Chilly(pun intended)

The Andes Mountain, 1 hour to the base of them, 2 hours to the top!

so I find myself writing this on my second friday of living in Chile. I am thousands of miles away from what I call home, and yet I am finding this feels more like home. it feels right to walk out every morning and see this view. yea this feels like home. wonderful view, really good food. I think I have mastered the making of rice and adding spices that make it burn the back of my throat and clear my sinuses. granted they havent been that bad. you see it is winter here, but it feels on some days, like today, like later end of March in Ohio, but days like 2 days ago felt like mid- April in Ohio. it is nice, I think I have become the mothers on staff project, cause I will be outside in just a teeshirt and jeans, when it is 15c(59f) but it is what I am used too.

Kindergarten class. From Left- Sofia, Caden, Caleb, Belen, Ian, Constanza, and Martin

so I have had classes for the last 2 days. in the mornings I am over in the high school building teaching everything from Jr High Bible, Algebra 1(gaaaahhhh, I still dont know what I am doing teaching that), I start next week teaching ESL (English as a Second Language)(I am hoping to have my students singing Across the Field by the 3rd weekend in November!) and my favorite class in the high school, Logic/Philosophy/Apologetics. apparently it is "the" class to be in this year. all the kids are talking about it, and they have asked that they keep it cause it had the potential to get cut, but the kids said no. so it stays, but the real reason I came down here was to teach kindergarten. I love the little guys so much and we have only have 2 days of classes. I am only over there during the afternoon but today we did math and yesterday we did Bible, and then I let them get up and explore the room, go play and start to figure things out on their own. even today, I got to tell 2 of them that I love them. they had broken a rule and in punishing them, I told them I wasn't mad, I was disappointed, and one of them started crying, so I looked at them both and told them I loved them and that I was proud of them. within 15 minutes they were both smiling and laughing. I am not going to lie, to get me to leave here is going to have to be something huge, I dont think I am going anywhere anytime soon!

Breaker's Commision

Commission
Life, Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance
Stripping demons right off my back trying to leach life off me,
get off me and feel my father's fury, oppressor.
One day you'll feel the full blast of his vengeance, Beelzebub, but for now I'll love.
Cause I got strength.
He blew courage in my backbone.
Now I'll stand straight and militant, lining up in Jehovah’s battalion,
knowing you can't challenge him so we march forward.
Swift as eagles, set like talons ready to grip souls from your grasp, slick snake in the grass my Lord sees you and vengeance is his.
But for now I retaliate,
propelled by a holy mandate to heal ‘cause I know how bad it hurts.
Full of madness at first but now
gladness bursts out the seams of our beings ‘cause we overflow with the oil of joy
the ointment of the anointed
mending any torn soul
healing any broken bone
He is here.
He was there.
He is peace.
He is faith. 

as I write this, I am reminded that the first time I wanted to was at Easter, it seemed fitting but now after this week, it is totally appropriate.  you see, I have just gotten back from training at ABWE to become a short term missionary to Chile to teach at the local Christ-centred school. I am so excited to be down there. I can take any number of the lines from this song and make it relate, but the one I am focusing on is the last one "He is faith". reason why, as of 2 weeks ago, I had absolutely no money raised to go, as of tonight I am just 350-400 dollars a month in support short of being able to go, and I have 3 churches that still want to help maybe. I know God will bring in the money, I just know He will. He has led me this far, has thrown open every door, and now I cannot see why He cant show Himself powerful enough to bring in the last little bit. I know this week I really started to doubt if it was possible, but God kept bringing in more and more money, and now I can say that God wants me in Chile. I am so ready to be there.

oh fyi, the next post will be from Chile with some pics probably as well!!!!!!!!!!!

Breaker's Encounter

Encounter
As I was thinking back,
back to a day,
it was mid-day,
but the sky was black like midnight.
Seeing a lifeless body impaled by nails
suffering the blast of hell,
caught my attention cause it looked like a blood bath as I
looked past and saw a broken man
soaked in the white hot wrath of God and I asked why.
I found some answers in His bloody face.
A face I began to recognize in the background of every instance of my life, I ignored.
Suddenly sense his spirits presence soothing my rude, rude soul.
Though ruined by the world’s view,
He wooed me,
though crude and without a clue and
screwed up out of my mind
He pursued me ‘til He made me holy.
Whole. 

This weekend is huge in Christianity, but it also was the one history altering event that, only a few other events can also say, has stood the test of time. one event in 6000+ years of history. one event that stands out over all the rest. and that one event was a brutal death. that one event was a torture at the hands of professional killers. that one event was at the expense of the most greatest gift ever given, and I guarantee, Christ wouldnt have had it any other way. 

but where were you during this event? where were you when the sky turned black as midnight at high noon? where were you when the nails were driven and the spear pierced His side? we were there. we watched. in some way we participated. even if it was nothing but our sin that God Himself poured out on Christ, we were there. Christ bore the entirety of all of mankind's sin and grief and pain and confusion and brokenness and bitterness and selfishness and you fill in the blank here, not because He wanted to, but rather He loved us and continues to love us to do it. it is in that bloody face that we find answers. it is in that broken body we find life. it is in that state that He hung on the cross, He came down, and pursued us. He called us by name until we could no longer stand that beautiful sound of His voice, and we turned. though we were so messed up and screwed up and warped and had no direction to go, we turned to Him and accepted His free gift of righteousness and forgiveness, and in the blink of an eye, we became holy. HOLY!!!!!!!! 

you might be asking but wait, why? why would He do this for me? it is simple, He loves you. He loves you so much that He didnt want you to spend all of eternity away from Him, so He came to make a way to make it to heaven. He met with the appointment of death, and instead of stopping at death like everyone else, He blasted straight through, still experiencing death, but then continuing on to make a way through death for us. We still have that appointment, everyone does, but it is what we do now that makes the difference. There is only one thing. It isnt good works, or baptism or going to church or anything else good we might do, no it is accepting that fact that we are all sinners bound towards a sinners hell and not on our way to a perfect heaven. then we must believe that Christ came to died for our individual sins, not the corporate sins(he did but not in dealing with salvation) and that he died for you. He came and died just for you. when you believe that with your heart, you then must confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead. It is then that you are a child of the king, and this isnt a get out of hell free card, but rather an invitation to join Him in communion and fellowship and begin a relationship with Him, because He loves you that much. that is when you are made Holy and Whole!

Breaker's Valley

Valley
Sick and tired.
Trapped
Body wrapped with sharp pain because my
body wasn’t made to contain all this rage.
My mind wasn’t made,
my eyes weren’t made,
my soul was not made to behold what shackles my soul now.
Bound by memories of being innocent,
Uncle sinning against me sexually,
Momma knew he was molesting me, smacking me across my face. I could do nothing.
Pops wasn’t around to give me the time of day.
All I wanted was a time and place where I could be loved.
A hug from my mom was too much.
So I turned to lust on the net while I was
hooked like a fish as I click, click, clicked to watch porn flicks
trying to find intimacy,
or an outlet at least.
But as I try to breathe and be at ease I see my mom in hell and the devil’s breath through the glass pipe.
I’m shattered in a flash. Fright and brokenness is the aftermath.
Brokenness is my aftermath.

how often do we allow the sin in our lives to enslave us, and shackle our souls? how often do we turn to our addictions to allow the pain of that moment to vanish, knowing we have more pain coming? are we that human? or is our faith that weak? is it a combination? often I have found myself turning to addicting sins to grant me some reprieve from the pain in the exact moment. I hate myself for that. I absolutely hate myself for running to something that will only hurt me more, and not turning to the one who loved me enough to come die for me. you see it is in the valley that the only direction I can look is up. because if you look to one side, you see the pools of mud and crap that have formed from the rain, blood, sweat and tears that I have shed over this issue, and if I look to the other side, it is the same thing, even when I look down it is there. it is only when I look up that see my way out.

there is a collection of prayers recorded in a book called The Valley of Vision. it is a collection of Puritan prayers, and to be honest, they are all so convicting, because they had such a huge and awesome view of God, why can't mine be like that? but the opening prayer goes as follows

The Valley of Vision
Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

It is in the valley, looking up, that we have the encounter with the Savior. The only one who can pull us from the blood, tears, crap, and mud, and set us upon a foundation that is like no other. 

Breakers Origin

Over the next 4 days, I am going to take a cd that has really been a huge blessing to me, and share the 4 spoken tracks. The cd is entitled Breaker by For Today, be warned it is a very heavy cd, lots of screamo and hard rock in it, but it is amazing. It shares the story of each of us, crafted into a character named Breaker. I want to share my thoughts about this, about how I am Breaker. The first post is called Breakers Origin

Origin

Fear,
Pain,
Confusion,
Rejection,
Powerless,
Helplessness,
How can I break this cycle of
hopelessness when I’m broken soaked in the spirit of anger.
With the roots of bitterness
rooted in the marrow of my bones,
flourishing through my soul,
oh my soul… 

wow, I cant help but to see me in every single word. how often did I find myself shaking in fear? or writhing in pain? or feeling confused or rejected? or feeling like I cant do anything right? or feeling like I am beyond the grasp of those who want to help? let me tell you what, I have felt all of those during the last 2 months. I screamed to God, how can I break this cycle of hopelessness? how can I break this feeling of not feeling like I am good enough or that I am worth anything? to be honest I have felt like I was not worth anyone's time or trouble. I didn't. but through the grace of an almighty, holy, righteous, awesome, powerful, magnificent God, He allowed those who really love me to gather around me. He brought people, who when this storm broke, I didn't even know, to me, just to love on me. that astounds me.

lets reflect for a second, how often do you find yourself becoming Breaker? how often do you just let yourself wallow when storms hit. I think the answer comes in the last few lines, but especially when it says "rooted in the marrow of my bones, flourishing through my soul". we have allowed Satan to lie to us, and slap us around with thoughts of insecurity, hopelessness, fear, pain, confusion, rejection, etc etc. think about it, how often do we just crumble because we know no other way? the glory of it is that Christ came to save us from that, but that comes in the third post, for we must first realize how broken we are, we must go to a valley to be able to look up.