so this past weekend was really interesting. I got to spend it on a church retreat at a really beautiful lake about 2 hours southwest of Santiago. I mean I am talking, like I wish I had a boat to go out and fish and just cruise. that kinda lake. the one where lazy summer afternoons go to take a day off. and for as much fun it was to relax and just chill and be away from the city, I had a lingering nag in the back of my mind. and it plainly was that on Saturday, November 5th was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, well the start of a lifetime of happy days. I was finally going to get married. I was going to marry Anna. we had chosen the date almost a 2 years before the actual date. we never told anyone, but we had everything planned out, aside from the ring and the dress. we had colours, flowers, even down to the guest list and had started working on the seating arraignment. that happened post wisdom teeth surgery. that was an interesting Saturday! I still even have the notebook with sketches, notes, plans, everything. but it all became a passing dream and fancy. it never happened. maybe in some distant parallel universe, but not in reality.
so as the weekend passed, there were tough points, some very tough points, but as I chilled on the porch and just watched everyone do their own thing, I realized that I was right where I was supposed to be. yea it hurt, yea there were times that I wanted to cry, and I did, but I wouldn't change any of it. as I sat there, probably one of my top 5 all time favorite bands came on, Wolves At The Gate, and I listened to the entire pre-Solid State Records, Limited Edition Autographed We Are The One's EP, and a couple of lines jumped out at me.
first was (from the song Heralds)
How we live and fight is who we are
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
"Who you are is all from Me"
The first line for sure rings for me. How I live and fight is who I am. I have never been in it to win everyone's approval. I tried, it didn't work. so how I live and fight is what defines me. it is me. like it or not here I come. even moving to Chile, I haven't been friends with everyone. I am ok with that. because it isn't my job to be friends with everyone. I will be friendly, but I only let a few people close, if you are close, then you are lucky. I will be transparent, but to let you in, especially in light of the last 10 months, takes a lot on my part to let you in.
the other line(s) come from the song Oh The Depths
Oh the depths of riches, like the water that fills the earth
The knowledge of my Creator who gives me worth
I have not a gift to bring for all things are from Him and glory forever
But as their arrows are drawn there is refuge in view
Oh death, oh death
Has lost it's sting on me
Oh death, oh death
You've been forever conquored
these lines are huge as well. the first thought comes from the second line, The knowledge of my Creator who gives me worth. the knowledge that I am worth something to someone. isn't that what everyone is wanting in this world. someones approval. and how hard is it when someone who we trust, shoves it back in our face? despite the fact that we tried our hardest, we still fail. I know I can take comfort in Christ because my worth flows from Him. the other thing that I love from this song is that death has lost his sting on me. death has no chance of winning anymore. I have been bought at a great price. so every night, even when I am pushed emotionally, and I have nothing left to give, I collapse on my Saviour's arms and rest knowing that death no longer has control over me, death no longer can win, death has been forever defeated. so yea it was a hard weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way!
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