Breaker's Valley

Valley
Sick and tired.
Trapped
Body wrapped with sharp pain because my
body wasn’t made to contain all this rage.
My mind wasn’t made,
my eyes weren’t made,
my soul was not made to behold what shackles my soul now.
Bound by memories of being innocent,
Uncle sinning against me sexually,
Momma knew he was molesting me, smacking me across my face. I could do nothing.
Pops wasn’t around to give me the time of day.
All I wanted was a time and place where I could be loved.
A hug from my mom was too much.
So I turned to lust on the net while I was
hooked like a fish as I click, click, clicked to watch porn flicks
trying to find intimacy,
or an outlet at least.
But as I try to breathe and be at ease I see my mom in hell and the devil’s breath through the glass pipe.
I’m shattered in a flash. Fright and brokenness is the aftermath.
Brokenness is my aftermath.

how often do we allow the sin in our lives to enslave us, and shackle our souls? how often do we turn to our addictions to allow the pain of that moment to vanish, knowing we have more pain coming? are we that human? or is our faith that weak? is it a combination? often I have found myself turning to addicting sins to grant me some reprieve from the pain in the exact moment. I hate myself for that. I absolutely hate myself for running to something that will only hurt me more, and not turning to the one who loved me enough to come die for me. you see it is in the valley that the only direction I can look is up. because if you look to one side, you see the pools of mud and crap that have formed from the rain, blood, sweat and tears that I have shed over this issue, and if I look to the other side, it is the same thing, even when I look down it is there. it is only when I look up that see my way out.

there is a collection of prayers recorded in a book called The Valley of Vision. it is a collection of Puritan prayers, and to be honest, they are all so convicting, because they had such a huge and awesome view of God, why can't mine be like that? but the opening prayer goes as follows

The Valley of Vision
Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

It is in the valley, looking up, that we have the encounter with the Savior. The only one who can pull us from the blood, tears, crap, and mud, and set us upon a foundation that is like no other.